unbecoming, unbeing

(c) 2012-2013 'Safira B'

do not tell me i should forget what it means
to be the smear of brown in a sea of pallid skin, to be
muddy brown eyes in a canopy of green and sky of blue, to be
small hips and short stretch of legs before miles and miles of pale, curving bodies.

do not tell me i should forget what it means
to be the butt of the joke, to be
you look beautiful today and raucous laughter because
who could find me beautiful? what a laugh.

do not tell me i should forget what it means
to be wrongwrongwrong.

do not tell me i should forget that
you taught me to love men with eyes as blue as the sky and
hair, curly and brown or golden, and
acres of white skin;

when no one ever taught me
how to bleach my skin
and how to stretch my legs fartherfartherfarther until i cannot see the ground
and carve the accent out of my speech
and wash my irises out into something glassy
and wish hard enough for my hair to be blonde.

do not tell me i should forget
when no one ever taught me
the trick to being loved back.

blinding

(c) 2012-2013 'Safira B'

it is the gompang that beats through my veins

                      thunder and lightning realisation racing along my spine

the bright sun on the couple walking from nikah to their car

                       the groom clad in blue baju melayu

it is the sounds of my home that remind me

you do not want to be here.

make ends meet

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

we live our lives waiting to die
        they say
i'm living my life,
 waiting for you
                          (is that a kind of death, too?)

but isn't it morbid,
   to start with the end?

but what are you and me
  but a collection of loose moments
and words
    and touches

      and accidents? (i didn't mean to love you
                                  you don't mean to let me.)

should i talk instead about how you
feel like
             sunlight
taste like
                the rain
                on my skin? does that make it easier for you?

(we have enough endings by now
                 to start something new.)

swallowing suns

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

"anxiety-ridden nails dig into plush pillow
                   corners, unseen
     eyes tracking the curve of a thigh
             shallows and shadows of a back
that carries no weight and too much weight
                                      at once.

a simmering slow smile
                           and wink
                                  and blink
                                            lips tugged by teeth
                                                  ((don't let them see))"

i wasn't married then
                                 - lagi -
                                              yet
                                                     again
                             i'm not married now - lagi - either.
                          (a warning or a reminder or a promise;
                               neither of you know anymore)

"averted eyes,
slow, quick flash of pink                                                          (thud, thud of shared blood)
        and s m i l e.

                                                        he's not as pretty as the others
                                                        but you want to shove starlight under his skin
                                                        and watch the flames lick his insides."

hurricane

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

[there is some kind of grief
     she keeps {inside}
  a hurricane beneath her skin

                         f
                           a
                              l
                                l into the e - y - e of the storm
                          as she dances and twirls and tears
                          at your skin,
                              screaming with laughter
                                            and torn throat.

                                       she rakes her nails down your face
                                              and back and thighs and heart
                                   like she's sowing seeds into angry red
                                   spaces and waiting for you to flourish
                                      and                                            m
                                                                              o
                                                                    o
                                                           l
                                                b                             hungrily.

             she cries through release,
      bindings snapping, mouth desperate
         and shuddering because your
              shoulders are wide enough
                                      to carry her world on them]

midnight snack

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'
* As seen in The World Book 2011

your skin swallows up the sun,

until you're fit to burst with sunrays leaking through your fingertips,

your tongue traces thought-ridden lips as your cloudy mind

sheds judgements like clothes for charity

precise and well-worn;

your silence says more than it should,

(

slithering up to my heart, [f ang s] sinking in,

the poison in my veins hums for your voice;

i'm w r i t h i n g                     gossamer skin,

  underneath

pulled [tight] over blood+bones,

fireworks filtered through fallen lids,

&& 

[there's a song written on the inside of my wrists]

seagreen lyrics singing lifebloods,

as the moon creeps out, child-like curiosity,

inky ghosting locks liplocking across the night,

milky moonbeams f

                                a

                                     l

                                         l

                                                        to earth, 

to kiss my buttermilk bones;

and now i'm always hungry,

for pale skin and luminous blue eyes,

[for that blue roadmap of amazonian rivers to your liquid lusty love]

who else can cool my blood?

there's some kind of animal trapped in between the smooth muscle

and endothelial layers of my vocal chords,

pushing through like a thick vine to overtake my face;

{please, i'm howling for you}

you: carmine candy and home and real,

i need to be (wholer),

because my breathing w a n e s,

blueblueblue in the midnight air,

tendrils of heat s p r e a d i n g like wildfire;

and the moon . . . waxes, leaving the night sky,

ravenous for adventure and [p o  o   l    s] into the ocean;

even the sky feeds from my awe of you;

in the dark is the best way to hear your heartb e a t,

thick heartstrings like black powerlines p a s s i n g  t h r o u g h 

the core of every star from you to me,

.h.o.o.k. onto my diaphragm,

make my pace as they d r a g me to you,

over gravel, grit && grass,

bloody feet on the yellow brick road,

hansel and gretel follow me home;

)

i smile

-  k c a b -

 at you patiently&patiently,

serrated incisors glinting in sunlight;

and we're only human

-

[the autumn moon is bright, tonight]

untitled

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

a shroud of night frames my face
and it makes it easier, right?

poverty.
hungry mouth, thirsty hands,
binging on the ghost 

of your hand against my fingertips.

skin arching forward, aching
splitting apart, red pushing through the seams,
pooling to the ground and winding
snake-like around the warmth of your waist.

i am not merely human.
smooth venusian valleys and cleopatra calves
obscured by a waterfall of bitter
blackened burdens

i can feel
so
feel me.

crumbs are not enough.

three little words

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

      there's something
     [trapped]
     bet-                                           -ween
            the net of my vocal chords
            like ~fish in the sea. i
p-u--l---l them kcab, that tide

    of feeling and force a different
       iambic triameter past poetry-
                                  kissed lips -

                    "how are you?"

The Same Side

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

We speak to the same moon,
smoky secrets spilling, snaking around
the radius of that grey, misty orb,
ashen wings to caress a glowing soul.

We count the same sky, inky and black,
monotone. Pin-pricks of white light that we
can pretend are hopes or dreams
or I love you’s
or something.

And then we don’t.

Cracking between indulgent gold,
scarlet skies well up and overflow,
blood-red sun dripping
pools of light in your wake;
your steps are wide and sure.

While night floods my room,
pooling around my ankles
like tangled sheets;
midnight shackles
that smother:

I am drowning in them.

Our moons are different, now,
Ashen wings to caress an ashen soul.

snow angels

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

i'm drawin' little snow angels
on your frosty windows

you've got the A/C on high
and the radio's nothing but static

each raindrop thuds against my fingers
and my pulse, in venn

your misty exhalation brushes across my bare legs
little ghost kisses as you switch the dial from FM to off

i burrow into my cocoon of cotton and candy and cutting words
and flowers and elegance and dior flood the air

your lips, as red as my eyes, press thin to stop a litany of my name,
and a little golden shackle, glares at me.

chain of being

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

what         would i

          be



   if

          daylight



smiles

       turned









                     away

                               ?

green blades

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

these blades of grass make 

like swords, slicing, dicing the 

wind. your voice, haunting. 

discriminate loves

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

I am resting on your bottom lip,
spine curled along the symmetrical curve of your smile,
Achilles heel hooked into your dimple.

If you would let me, I would break you so
beautifully and let our shards of glass
clear cut and rose tinted mingle(

indiscriminately;)

I would play out your heartbeat
on the dips of your spine. I see heat
spread from my love taps
                                     snaps
                                     traps

;(swallows you w h o l e) indiscriminately.

almost-burnt apple pie

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

1.
so, there was this car. it was a nice car. black. sleek. handsome headlights.
      the only reason i liked it was because the
      thought of you driving it gives me shivers like
                                                   i'm in a personalised winter.

2.
i think it was your eyes that i fell for first, but i won't tell anyone. if i was more poetic, i'd say shit like how your eyes had all the days i pretended to smile and all the nights i cried in them. but i'm not. to be honest, they kind of remind me of my ceiling back when i was ten, the one with the stick-on glow in the dark stars on them.
                      i f
                          e
                             l
                               l for your eyes first, and your soul second and yeah, i can be pretty poetic.

3.
last night i had a dream about our car. you know, the black one. we were lying on the hood and pulling cliches like looking up at the stars. and you let your hands take up the space between mine, like shuffling grains of sand, and i dreamt that you told me you didn't believe in wishes. that, if you wanted something, you'd go out to get it.

i woke up alone.
it wasn't a sad dream.
but i was miserable anyway.

4.
i wanted to tell you something. it was probably something important. but my tongue doubled and twisted like a cherry stem or a vine and squeezed the words to oblivion. oblivion can keep those words, oblivion can put those words where all the lost people go, where car keys go when you need them, where your left sock goes after the washing machine. i can make new ones.

they weren't important, anyway.

5.
when you're angry, you smile like knives. i wear the pants in this and i like to say that i'm always the one to find you. i am. but you're always the one to find me. and i'm the only one who's lost. your smile cuts apples into bite sized pieces and i don't lament that we're not adam and eve.

when you're happy, you smile like the sun.
we could bake an apple pie life together, if you'd like.

6.
no one's ever made me cry more than you do. 'broke my heart' is too light but 'breaking me' seems too harsh. you make me want to save myself, 'cause you're sure as hell not doing jack, to put on my rusted armour and fight the lions and wyverns and tarantulas curled around the back of my mind, because i could actually be worth something to someone.

i could cry you a river of regrets,

but we'd just keep each other afloat.

he's looking at you with baby blues

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

he's looking at you with baby blues

   end, it's the end, you think.

she is on his arm, clinking like chains

   nobody minds, you know

only you do

   time sneaks away from you both.

maybe one day, you'll meet with grays

   in your hair and he will know

now what he didn't then; you are his

   everything and he is yours.

waxing

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

so i wrap you up
in the golden security blanket
          of my words and
i think for once someone
          could wax lyrical about
me
          that my heart and
soul flickers like candlelight
          that you would indulge
in the hot chocolate of my eyes
          that my caffeinated mocha
skin would keep you up at night
          so i was a fool
to think that someone would write
          how i could burst from stars
and land in your heart, for once.

hooded

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

sunburnt scarlet skies
fleeing as fierce
emeralds emerge
heralding the hues
of sapphire to sink in.

sienna eyes drinking in,
flooding with cut glass,
cool hard translucence
against leather against skin.

earthy work boots planted
firmly on inky stretch of metal,
headlight eyes flickering shut
reprieve from the thousand star
glare.

kiss-starved lips pucker up
to wrap around the bottle neck,
expectant gushing, bland, bitter
beer,
intoxicated.

tipped back, black waterfall,
curls tumble over,
pale column as an altar offering,
breaths leaving like smog,
like prayers form a cynic.

lacquered nails
tap out the low, lusty
lumbering drumbeats,
light movement on
the sleek, slick
'67 chevy impala.

harp song
carries the melody away
drumbeats
out of
place.

sunburnt sienna eyes
flicker shut
as red recedes
golden pendulum swinging
dragging a curtain of almost cobalt
more like peacocks
fanning out
yellow blurs like stars
tormenting.

fiat lux

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

god asked me to bow down,

so i did and he said, you are for adam.

in my peripheral vision, you are the brightest thing in heaven, 

and i said, yes. yes, i am his.

trembling palms meet in a palmer's kiss,

and you shied away with each step i took,

adam runs his fingers across my pulse,

and you watch with hungry, thirsty eyes.

my skin feels too hot and too tight,

and i want to burst through in a symphony of light,

so that you'll look at me, so that you'll see me,

even for a brief moment.

i wonder sometimes if you can hear it,

the pathetic thud-thud of my lone heart,

wonder sometimes if it matters, you press a thumb to my sternum 

to leave a wreath of purple flowers and i don't think it does.

i remember the apple tree and your wide, wide eyes,

as your fingers spread starlight across my ribs,

and between my thighs, and your voice, exultant,

gloria patri and you are so beautiful.

beautiful. that's what you are, so bright and pure,

and when i kissed you for the first time,

my tongue snaking around yours,

you tasted like fire and mornings and the sweetest fall.

you taught me to feel, to take,

and the first thing i did was spread myself all over,

your thousand-sun skin and drag out little noises,

with my hands and felt myself roast alive.

i writhe under the canopy of your wings and grace,

as you bless me with your hot mouth in all the most secret places,

throwing my head back, i shut my eyes and pray to soak you in,

the vowels of your name fill up my throat and adam's eyes are green.

my knees burrow in the ground, brackets to keep you grounded,

and my tongue paints a honeyed molass love, and you burn,

brighter than ever, brilliantly,

and eden watches you come undone, silent and salient.

you are the heat of fire and the cool of water,

your words are slippery slick and silver-tongued,

your touch is midas-blessed and golden,

and you are mine.

god told you to bow down,

obey them

and i was in your peripheral vision,

when you said, no, i will not.

and as god turned his wrath to you,

i kept you in the circle of my arms,

and stopped praying, trying to keep you 

from being swallowed by the sea of despair.

horrified, i watched something break,

and i watched my glorious morningstar,

shatter and shine with an impure light,

you turned into the light bearer.

just when i don't think i know you anymore,

you stumble in, lips trembling and eyes flooding the earth for days,

and your fingertips mark springs of green and blue and purple,

on my arms and you say, i've never needed you more, and how do i resist?

i told you i love you,

and you brushed off my affection like a snakeskin,

and you wind down my arm, fangs sinking in,

sweet cyanide cider spilling from prayer-cupped hands.

adam's fingers trace my lips,

he walks away, cheeks stinging with shame

and anger,

in the shape of my hand.

michael pushes you through the gold gates,

and held me as hellfire burnt our hearts,

where you are, the fire only serving to illuminate the dark;

you took all the light of heaven and 

wrapped it around your broken grace,

far away from home.

i trace the red snakes around my wrists,

my lips become crimson with my heated kisses,

on your scars of love,

and if i kiss hard enough, i can almost taste you again.

i count each of my blessings carefully,

collecting them and coveting them,

and since you left,

i have nothing more to count.

my teeth bite the forbidden fruit, liquid lust burning,

and it gives me the courage to say,

i hate you; do not touch me; 

i am not for you, adam.

it should be harder to walk past those golden gates,

harder to leave eden and fall to earth,

but it's not, my morningstar,

it's not.

i left heaven for you,

and the gates of hell embraced me.

con[temporary] lucifer

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

                  you are lucifer beneath my fingernails,
                  all proud and sinful and seductive,
                  all graceless and broken and wrecked.

silhouettes and shadows spill around us,

like great, sooty wings.

                  your howls are in my throat,
                  and my heart is on your sleeve,
                  and if you squint hard enough,
                  headlights can be stars, reflected
                  in kaleidoscope eyes.

and cigarette smoke could be moonbeams,

like smoky gabriels to send (m)(y)our

damning thoughts to heaven,

charcoal voice keeping this spit-slicked fire

burning through the night.

                  and if i kiss you, like i could taste
                  your soul, feel it dancing on my
                  tongue, don't judge me.

because you are lucifer beneath my hands,

all spineless, and wrecked and wrecked.

ghost of you

(c) 2011-2012 'Safira B'

i.
                                      my sleep is haunted by a burning baritone,
                                      e c h o e s in my mind's ear like seraphim song.


                                      i dream of a city of glass lit up by white fires.
                                      i dream of ivory dresses and a topaz necklace.
                                      i dream of words entwined like an ivy crown.
                                      and i l i e                                      
                                      ...because i dream of only y o u.

ii.
                                      my days are shadowed, hallowed,
                                      feet trailing on pallid grounds,
                                      lit up by moonlight,
                                      long gone,
                                      and detour signs,
                                      lead me home.

iii.

                                      i am empty;
                                      all my words
                                      are ghost-written
                                      in lemon juice.


                                      
                                      waiting endlessly to wake from a sleep,
                                      my world is without a sun.